Big Birds in your Face

I have seen four movies in 3D since its rebirth; My Bloody Valentine, Despicable Me, Cirque De Soleil (on accident) and The Hobbit. And after these experiences I have decided that I am not a fan. I can understand if the film requires it but really, NO film requires it. The odd "3D viewfinder" panorama is unsettling to me and I spend more of the movie going, "oh, look at that" instead of paying attention to what's going on in the movie. My Bloody Valentine was a horror film and they TRIED to make it worthwhile. Despicable Me made good use of the 3D by adding a segment at the end of the film where the Minions reach out into the audience. Cirque De Soleil was foolish and The Hobbit... painful.

I must make some comments about The Hobbit. If you haven't seen the film, or if you have it doesn't really matter to me, I am going to tell you everything and taint it. Really, it won't hurt this film a bit.

1. Why is this a trilogy? Peter Jackson had every reason in the world to make the Lord of the Rings books into a trilogy because, well, there are three books so it makes sense to have three movies. And he did a damn fine job too. But The Hobbit is just ONE book and the story isn't thick enough or interesting enough for THREE movies. So, in an effort to justify making three movies, Peter Jackson has stuffed every dull and boring moment he could into the film. Scenes that would otherwise be cut by any level-headed director are still there. I'm surprised he didn't just call this first installment, "The Hobbit: Bilbo's Crib." This might be the first film since Ed Wood's "Glen or Glenda" were everything that was shot made it into the final cut. The Editor on this film must have been bored to tears.

The film... nay... a story should have a beginning, middle and an end. It has a beginning... and that's it. The rest of the film is exposition for what we are going to see in 2013 and 2014. The film just ends mid-hump. My advice would be to wait until they are all out before going to see them.

2. Eagles. It's well-known that J.R.R. Tolkien stole the ideas for his work from other works. Most notably the Wagner opera, The Ring Cycle and a few other literary works. The only thing he did to make this work his own was to add a deus ex machina to each of his stories. In Lord of the Rings and again in The Hobbit, when things look rough, J.R. just calls upon these over-sized Eagles to save the day. Gandolf needs a rescue, eagles get him. Frodo stuck on Mt. Doom, eagles got him. Bilbo and the Dwarves stuck on a cliff, guess what? Eagles. It's lazy writing. Here's my question: If these fucking eagles can just carry people when ever and where ever they need to go and they don't mind the work, why didn't these people in the stories just ride the damn birds to the volcano, drop the ring off and voila! No need for three movies.

3. I want a Hobbit vest. Actually I want a few of them.

I won't carry on any further. I guess the eagles thing just really bothered me. Have you ever seen the movie WIZARDS by Ralph Bakshi? I hope Peter Jackson concludes one of his films that way.

The only films that need to be made in 3D are porn. Nuff said.