Fu Chou: The satisfied cousin of Margret

I wonder how many times I have used my abilities to undermine the efforts of others? I know I can be candidly cruel when I need to be. Maybe "need" is the wrong word for it. Maybe "want" is a better, more honest way of saying it - I wanted to be mean in those moments. It doesn't happen that often, certainly not as often as many people think it does. However, if it happens once then it's hard for people to determine when it is or isn't happening. So the easiest thing to do is just assume that it is. You could compare it to lying. If you lie once and get caught, then it's hard for people to know when you're telling the truth from that point on. Even if you never lie again, everyone will always think you're lying. Such is the nature of darkness. Once it shows its face, it's hard to erase it from your mind.

I know I'm not a bad person. I just have moments of weakness. Moments when my mind succumbs to overwhelming feelings of sorrow and then it tries to alleviate the pain by lashing out. I look for the source of my pain and when I find it I begin to fantasize about getting even. Normally, I just fantasize and it ends there. Like some sort of mental masturbation; you see the revenge, the cruelty, acted out in the safety of your mind and then it climaxes, the sorrow wanes and life goes on. However, if the sadness or pain lingers too long, my mind breaks under the pressure, and the fulfillment of the fantasy seems like my only option.

Traditionally, when I decide to be cruel I just let it all out. I mean, if you're gonna do it, why be half-ass. I don't want you to think that I just go beserk and start lobbing off heads with a ninja sword - I do have some control over my rage. And my fantasies, though fantastic in my mind, are rarely as manageable in real life. For starters; I don't own a gun, a horse, millions of dollars, I can't do back flips, I have a healthy guilt complex, and I can't stand the smell of burning hair. I'm hampered by these things.

So how have I been cruel in the past, and who has been the focus of it?  Well, no one reading this post, of that I'm sure. Well, there may be an ex or two who reads this and anyone who has dated me for any amount of time is already in that club. Though I'm sure they don't need a confession from me to validate their feelings. As to the "how" well... let's just say it's almost always verbal or mental. A lot can be done with well-planted words. Given enough time and just the right amount of encouragement, they can grow into full-fledged mental anguish which can be enjoyed for a lifetime.

I think I should pause a moment and say that I don't have a tactual approach to conversation and though some of the things I say in conversation may seem like intended cruelty they are not. They are, in fact, just me without a filter. I say this to avoid confusion. If I say someone is stupid to their face in casual conversation, that's not me being cruel as I see it - though it may seem that way at the time. That's just the easiest way for me to express my understanding of that person without having to be long-winded about it. Stupid people are very taxing on my nerves. They are second only to crazy people on my "fastest-way-for-me-to-be-cruel" scale. And though stupid and crazy people annoy me, they are not worthy of my cruelty. I reserve that for only the greatest bastards I've known.

Cruelty should never be based in greed, or vanity, or power. Cruelty should always be based on revenge alone. Though many people say there is no such thing as revenge, or that you shouldn't waste your time with it. I disagree. Revenge is very healthy. Just ask Indigo Montoya. Or my man, Khan. Revenge, when done correctly, is absolutely delicious.

My need for cruelty is something that I do feel ashamed of at times. I wish I had the sort of mind which allowed me to subdue the impulses all the time but I know that's not possible. It's impossible for anyone to live a life without thinking darker thoughts from time to time. Anyone who says their life is free of such imagery is not only a liar they're also insane and should be lobotomized.

This doesn't validate my behavior and I want to apologize to anyone who feels they are owed one. I have enjoyed myself long enough and it's time to let go of all that joy and satisfaction which I created for myself by the suffering of others. It's time for me to enjoy my own suffering caused by others and just live with it in silence, just like everyone else does. It's time for me to let go of all the wicked laughter I get when I think of other's suffering from my deeds. Instead, I should embrace the laughter I hear coming from others who have made me suffer for their own desires. I should just be complacent and docile in my suffering.

If there is a heaven it is filled with people cackling. If there is a hell, it's filled with people who have to listen to it. You choose which path you prefer.