Super Bowl power outage means the mob is going to kill Beyonce.

I watched the same Super Bowl everyone else did. I skipped most of the first half and all of half time because I was outside at the fire pit again, but I did come in to watch the power go out. After that, I couldn't turn away from the TV. I completely forgot about the fire pit. Once things start to go wrong, you have to find yourself a front row seat and just start munching on popcorn until the shit storm passes.

The game was a mess, but who really cares about the game? What I kept thinking about were all the bookies in Vegas and the panic that must have been created by the power outage. For those of you who don't know, the Super Bowl is the not the biggest game in the world because it's the best athletes playing the best game on the biggest stage; it's the biggest game in the world because it's the single largest gambling event of the year. In Las Vegas, they have no major holidays. Christmas, July 4th, Halloween... all just another day and no one cares. But Super Bowl Sunday is every major holiday all wrapped up into one. Think I'm kidding? Try booking a hotel room on that weekend.

I am willing to wager that well over two billion dollars is won or lost on that single day. Probably more. So when something like a major power outage occurs you had better believe that some serious questions are going to be asked by a lot of serious people and there will be answers or there will be people who are never heard from again.

I have my theories about what went wrong, but they begin and end with the city of New Orleans just being a general shit box of a town that even God doesn't want around any more (how often does God try to destroy it only to watch us rebuild it again?). I think the city just isn't a suitable place to hold a major event of any kind other than a colossal disaster.

I want to see the Super Bowl played in towns with nothing much going for them. What's wrong with having the game in Boise, Idaho? Or Fargo, North Dakota? Or Tulsa, Oklahoma? These towns have nothing going for them at all and are in dire need of tourist dollars. Give them the game and I bet you the power won't go out. Every town has a football stadium, every town has hookers, chicken wings and beer. So why not put it in remote location?

The next day, after all the sports pundits had had enough time to explain their botched prognostications, the serious criticisms started to pour in from around the world wide web about the other aspects of the game. "Alicia Keys was horrible! She ruined the Star Spangled Banner!" and "Those commercials sucked!" blah, blah, blah...

First off, Alicia Keys could have arm-pit farted the national anthem and it would have been glorious. Have you seen her ass? Here look...

No one with an ass like that can do any wrong. And it's the Star Spangled Banner. Unless you want to play a recording of Whitney Houston singing it from twenty years ago at every major event, just accept that it's going to get a retooling at every Super Bowl. Alicia Keys can do what ever she wants. When she stops being that sexy, then we can start complaining about her. Until then, shut up. Only ugly people don't like her.

And Second, as far as the commercials are concerned... well... what did you expect? They're commercials. They're ads meant to sell you shit you don't need. Or did you need someone to convince you buy Doritos or a new car?

Well... well all need to get some rest. The mob might be knocking on your door soon to ask you if you had anything to do with the blackout. When they ask you just say, "I blame the farmer."