Have Gun Will Travel

I can't seem to find a decent job, and it's not for a lack of looking. It's a lack of other things and I'm trying to remedy those things. I apply for jobs, I turn in resumes, I write interesting cover letters, I have top-notch references, I am flexible in my availability and I have no salary requirements. I should be a great candidate for most jobs. Other than the leg health issue, I'm solid. Certainly for any job where food handling is involved, but no. Nothing.

The tattoos on my neck are a big turn off for many of the human resources folks out there and so I have dipped down to jobs where tattoos might not be an issue. I like my tattoos, even though I knew getting them would be an HR mess for me. I'm very proud of who I am and what I look like. It may be a tougher road to walk, but it's certainly a more honest one in the end. Conformity has never been a quality I appreciated, and perhaps that is why I haven't gotten any of those lucrative "second" interviews. I will admit that my eyes wander a lot (according to my friend, this is an Aspergers' trait) but I do try to stare people in the eye during interviews. Someone said I look mean when I stare at them so I try to raise my eyebrows to soften my visage. This gives people the impression that I'm surprised by everything.

The few interviews I've had have gone poorly. Any time someone tells me that I will need to purchase something to work for them I am immediately turned off by the job. Especially if the purchase is an obvious grift by the company. I understand pants, or a particular type of shoe, but a GPS or a Smart Phone seems like a lot of bullshit to me. The interviews usually end shortly after I say, "No, I won't be doing that." Again, I'm okay with not getting those jobs.

Another big trend in HR today is taking an online personality quiz. Almost an hour of questions designed to drive you mad. Apparently they share these test results with others.

I have finally given in to Second Guessing and started reading a lot of online "resume builder" websites in an effort to find the flaws in my approach. Most of the websites seem to suggest that a resume is the key component for getting a job. I have six resumes. Each reflects a different portion of my past; entertainment, education, restaurant, retail, construction, and film production. I also have a CV, which I was using for my grad school applications. I have never thought that having a job could be a negative in trying to get another one, but the more people review my resume the more I think my work history is hurting my chances.

One of the main complaints people have with my work history is not the gaps in my work history, of which there are many, but the number of career directions I have dabbled in. I will admit to having had several jobs at the same time and this also seems to be a negative. I get asked about my double or triple employment record often. "How did you work for place A and place B at the same time?" is a common question in my interviews. No matter how I answer, they response is a telling, "uh HUH."

I have worked every type of job in the restaurant and nightclub industry. I have worked in every kind of construction. I have worked in every type of position in a hotel. I have also worked retail in three bookstores, a video store, a shoe store and pharmacies. I have worked in film, television and theater production in every capacity from PBS to Paramount studios. And what seems to bother people is what I have left OFF of my resume and I'm not sure what I should do about that.

If I listed all of my jobs in one resume it would be ten pages long. Stand up comedian, which is the career I held the longest to date, seems to bother potential employers quite a bit. I guess they assume I would be annoying to work with, or that I will ask for time off to do gigs. Even though I mention that part of my life is over.

A few of the HR folks have said that I have been fired from too many jobs to qualify for employment with them. I find that odd, and creepy. How did they know I was fired from Subway? And thank you for reminding me that I was fired from Dempsey's Brass Rail in Spokane. Now I feel good about myself.

What freaks the HR people out the most are the two careers which are part of my work history that I never list on my resumes but they seem to be discovered and come back to haunt me. It's a damned that you did it, and you're super damned that you didn't list it.

I worked in the adult film industry for a while and I was an escort. The naughty kind. I worked for an escort service which was busted two years after I quit. And even though I had nothing to do with it, I am associated with the bust in a negative way. How do the HR people find these things out? It's like the CIA is on their side.

You would be impressed to know what one can learn from a career in the adult industries. There is a lot about the human condition which can only be seen when sex is involved. You learn a lot about reality when the last layer of dishonesty is taken off the table. Should I list this on my resume? Probably not. 

Traditionally, I just gloss over these careers and hide them among other careers. I include my adult film work in my production resume but I don't label the jobs by name. I list my escort history in my list of personal attributes as, "works well with others."

So the question before me today is should I just list these careers on my resume and not come across as someone trying to hide from my past? Or should I just continue to hide them and hope that the HR people don't discover them? Or should I just continue to write this blog and hope that someone starts paying me to do so and then not worry about finding a job or explaining myself.

I'm shocked that my past has impacted my future so impressively. The work I was doing in my teens and early twenties does not adequately reflect the type of employee I am presently.  No more than my social life from my late teen and early twenties reflects on who I am now.

At this point, beating up HR people and stealing their wallets seems like a great career move for me.