You never date just one

Not everyone will have this experience. Most people go out of their way to avoid it. In fact, most people are extremely rigid in their position on the subject. Perhaps you will never know what's it like but you might so I want to talk about it. There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just sort of annoying and it's something which requires more patience than you think. From the outset, it always looks like a shitty proposition (unless you really just want to get laid, then it's not so bad), but if you really like somebody, the task won't seem that bad. Dating someone who has kids doesn't have to be a bad thing, but for the most part, it is.

It's a shit deal for anyone who is just looking for a relationship because you won't be just dating the parent. If you want to make it work you will have to date their whole family; The parent, the kids, the "other" parent, the grandparents, and even the friends of the parents. And there is no reward in dating all of these people at once. You will get the romantic relationship with the parent, but from the rest of the family you just get shit. Lots of questions, lots of pressure, lots of expectations, lots of judgements. With the worst of it coming from the kids. It doesn't matter if they are old or young, if they don't like you, the relationship is going to suck. There is nothing like having a great relationship ruined by a kid who needs attention all the time and the parent complying just to pacify them.

You might expect that most of the discord comes from the kid's opinion of you but you'd be wrong. The largest source of the strain comes from the disagreements about parenting you will have with the parent. Beyond all the romance and the other dimensions of compatibility, you must also agree on philosophies about how to raise children because like it or not, you're suddenly a surrogate parent. If you try to get involved and the parent shoves you out, you're fucked. If you don't try to get involved but you're asked to, you're fucked. And you will never know when you are or are not allowed to participate.

If you are involved (mostly as a driver, food preparer, or other non-essential positions) you will find yourself at the mercy of the rest of the parenting board. This is why you are also dating the other parent, grandparents and friends too. They, too, are already in a similar role and now you've entered their territory. And like any advisory board there are bound to be disagreements on key issues which will cause even more ugliness.

The most important person to get along with is the person you're trying to date. If you don't like the way they discipline (or lack there of) their kids, or the diet they give their kids, or if you disagree about how they handle their children on any important issue, you're toast. It's already over. Walk away. Because no matter how good your intentions may be, your opinion is the lowest on the totem pole and you are going to find yourself suffering in silence. You must agree with the parent's opinions and actions... or it's time to walk away. No matter how much you love them, like them or want to be with them. If you can't date their kids, you can't date them.

Also, if the parent is exceptionally violent, hot-tempered, rude, mean, or just a bad parent all-around, what are you going to do about it? What if the parent favors one of the children over the others? What would you do? What if the parent lets the child(ren) walk all over them?

Now let's say that you've met a great parent and you agree with their parenting philosophy and such... Then it turns out that the other parent is a piece of shit and does things you completely disagree with. What are you going to do?

Doesn't this sound fun?

I want you to remember that no one knows what kind of parent they are going to be before they have their first kid. People seem to think they are going to be a great parent and then they have a kid and come to find out that they suck at it. It doesn't help that people like to tell their friends, "You'd make a great parent" but these people also have no idea what they're talking about. Great parenting is less about your personality and more about how well the relationship is defined with your kids once you have them. Some parents are great with one child, but shitty with two or three. These are things which can't be determined until you find yourself in that position. Most people are just horrible parents though they don't think so. Even if you point it out to them, they will fall back on the fail safe answers; "I love my kids" or "I'm doing the best I can." And you won't know what type of parent you're going to be until it's too late. So this being said, sometimes it can be a good idea to date someone with kids just to see how you do react in these situations. You can use it as practice.

I would love to see a statistic regarding the success rate of relationships with step-parents. I'm sure some of these relationships work out but it can't be many. It's SO rare that when it does work out we find it touching and inspirational. And the stories of bad step-parents are so rampant that they're actually the norm. Don't believe me? Ask Snow White, Cinderella and Hamlet... Those stories are several hundred years old. That's how far back bad step-parenting goes.

Buyer beware.

It's sad because there are so many great people out there you would like to date but who are burdened with children. In my time, I have dated a lot of great people who would have been perfect if not for their shitty kids. I guess they weren't really shitty, but the situation was intolerable so it's just easy to put the blame on them.

I put myself in the bad parenting category. I knew I was going to be a horrible parent and I wasn't ready to subject a child to that. I had horrible parents (four of them!) and wasn't willing to find out how much of I what I had learned I might share with my own kids. I've only seen some samples of it and none of it seems good. So I think I made the right decision.