Read this one last.

A rare visit from my mother has sort of sent me into an emotional tail spin. I'm not a fan, as I have stated before, but I guess I was curious to see if my attitudes about my family were valid. They were. The whole visit got me thinking about my relationships with others and how it might affect them.

I'm not enjoying my known family, and lately I have been less and less impressed with the idea of friends. They have become shells of their former selves, or have just exposed their timid nature and it disgusts me. It's been two or three months since my departure from Facebook, which I did because I felt it was empty, and now I feel that same about the work on this site. People are looking in my windows, but they are too lazy to knock on my door. I've just had enough of that.

I came here to write something insightful as a catalog of how my mind works. To feed a curiosity you might have about me. No one needs to know you're reading this but you. I'm sure you're reading it privately right now. I know you're reading it. If you are who I think you are, you looked for this.

I wrote all of this for you. Well, I wrote it for me, but it was intended to be a guidebook for you. I knew you would read it, and I wanted to help you understand things that might otherwise be unknown. It's kind of crazy to think about you reading this but I want you to. I have no idea how long it will be before you read it, but if I never get the chance to talk to you again; if I never get to see you again; I want this to guide you through my world. I was as honest as I could be.

It was a slow lunch. She brought along her best friend to insure that things went smoothly. The conversation was generalized and empty and I didn't look at her much. We mentioned you. But I didn't have enough fortitude to talk to her. I fear that I might not have the ability to confront emotionally uncomfortable moments with a strong heart. I'm not sure if we ever saw each other again that I would know what to say or how to act around you. Traditionally in my emotional stress I lash out, I hurt people or I hurt myself. After the lunch... the energy was gone. I'm motionless now.

I have dreams about you. I think about you in everything I do. I wonder what you're like now. I let myself fantasize about seeing you again. Though I know there is someone else in your life where I should be and I know that's my fault, but I'm still hurt and I'm jealous beyond measure. Though I wouldn't change things between us because I know what happened was the best thing.

I hope that someday we might run into each other in a store, or a park, and that the experience will go down without the awkwardness I feel inside right now. I may not be the man you want me to be. I may not be the man I want to be when I see you.

I will save the rest of this for the time when we see each other face-to-face. Until then, I wish for you a great life. The best life. I adore you and I hope that the information I gave you here helps you understand me better. Know that I have looked for you every day that I could. There isn't a day or night that has gone by that I haven't thought about you or tried to find out where you are or what you're doing. I have never tried to interfere with your life because I feel what's best for you is your decision.

I love you very much Quinn, and where ever you go, my love goes with you.

With my deepest affections,

Daniel J Loomis
the man who should have been your father.