I am not a forgiving person. I would rather hold on to my disappointment in someone and just cut ties with them than forgive them for what I think they've done wrong. It takes a lot for people to cross a line with me so when it happens I don't move the line or redraw it just because they're sorry. This is especially true for all the mentally unstable people I know. I'm just not a fan of accepting apologies over and over and over again. This is why I am not so keen on crazy people - they fuck up over and over and expect everyone else to just put up with it. Their apologies seem pretty empty.
I grew up in a crazy family. My mother is the queen of loons and her mother practically invented the art form. My brother is a Jedi Master of insanity and my father spent a lifetime practicing the craft but never fully got the hang of it. If I had to brand his style of crazy I would call it the "lone-nut of alcoholic parents who finds solace in abusing people who won't leave him alone" style. I do have another father - the legal one. He's not insane, but his normalcy is in such stark contrast to the rest of my family it made me crazy. He's big on guilt trips. Deep sighing is just another way of saying, "I'm disappointed." I learned that from him.
That's a lot of crazy people. And being around them all the time means you are never fully comfortable with who you are. And who you become is perverse. I developed an aversion to crazy people which prevents me from forgiving them today. How do you know to put up your hands when someone tries to hit you - that reflex action? That's the same reaction I have to crazy people.
The fastest way to make me never want to see you again is to act insane. Especially if it's the emotional insane. Of course, I see most of this emotional insanity in the people I date. It's no secret that the last few girls I've dated were riddled with emotional instability. I don't realize it until things start to end just how much they reminded me of the rest of my family. And that helped seal the deal with most of them. I am blessed with having never run into an ex after we break up. I'm not good at the goodbye part, but once they're gone they just disappear... well, they could be hiding.
Of course, I could be a trigger for a lot of that emotional instability. I've been told I'm not easy to date, but how is that my fault? If they know the deal, why do they stay? I keep thinking there is something about me that drives people off their rocker, but nah. I'm pretty typical as far as men go; I fuck around, I lie here and there, but none of it ever interferes with my relationships. I think the main problem is in not walking away early in the relationship when I first start to notice the cracks in their mental well-being. I stick it out and get invested and assure them I'm not going anywhere and then I crack and run off and their reaction isn't, "wow, I really am crazy." it's "..he said he wouldn't leave me." (sniff sniff) If they are emotionally unstable once, no big deal. If it happens twice, it's time to set some boundaries. A third time? Run away as fast you can. Daddy issues is a real thing.
Crazy people are always going to be crazy. They are broken people and there is just nothing you can do to fix them. Drugs don't work. Therapy doesn't work. Nothing works. Crazy is personality trait you can't shake without serious conditioning. But even then the crazy remains, just in a subdued state waiting for the right trigger to bring it all back to life. Crazy is a part of their world. It's how they deal with it.
Daddy issues aside. Not all crazy is reflexive.
If you're bored with your life. If you don't like your life. If you don't like your marriage. If you don't like your body. If you don't like your job... The problem is you. Most of the time the problem stems from a lack of self-discipline. It's not a chemical imbalance - it's just you. Instead of making smart choices, you waste your brain on making elaborate excuses. Those excuses start to collect and compound and eventually that pile is what you call, "normal." It's a huge deviation from where you should be, or what you wanted for yourself, or what you could have had and you know it. That knowledge is what is driving you crazy. Eventually your "normal" becomes so much work to maintain and the stress from knowing that begins to cause you problems. You can't dig out from under the laziness or the cowardice or the lack of discipline and now you're stuck. There is not enough reward for your efforts and you feel like nothing works to make things better. Wanna know why? Cause you're lazy and now you're probably a fucking nut job.
Now enters someone in whom you can look to for support and inspiration. Someone who can distract you from the heap of shit you're under. They seem to know the way back to the life you wanted for yourself. Or, even better, they show you a life you could have you didn't even know about. They try to help, they get involved, they offer advice and now everything seems like it could get better. But, Uh oh, don't look now, the crazy has come back. It slowly starts to seep out of you and eventually the facade of confidence and courage that you've been displaying starts to crumble around you. Now nothing seems to work and instead of having a good life, you spend all of your time vacillating between thoughts of doom, rage, sorrow and apologies. Maybe that someone won't notice.
This isn't my ex. She isn't crazy enough.
For thirty nine years I tolerated crazy. I did what most people do became co-dependent. You want to be helpful with crazy people because it seems like such an easy fix, but it never is.
I know that my detractors will say, "Well, maybe if they got away from you everything would get better." Mmmm... Yes, to a certain degree that's true. But their issues with me go away, but their crazy remains.
And yes, I'm crazy too. I have my own special form of crazy I carry with me. Though none of my crazy involves or requires apologies. That's what makes me different - my family likes to make others pay for their craziness. I pay my own way. One of the main reasons I am not the father I should be to my son is because I knew there was a level of crazy in me and I didn't want my son to see it. I didn't want him to be a part of the culture I know. It was my hope that he wouldn't have to see it. And though my decision to walk away is highly scorned and looked down upon, I know I made the right choice. Because the one thing that makes me different from the other crazy people I know, I'm not selfish about it.
There is a defense for the existence of crazy people; they're good at art, they're good in bed; they make for good serial killers; and we need them to illustrate how good we have it by not being crazy. So bless their tortured souls. Every single bat shit crazy one of them. Let the cutting commence.
I grew up in a crazy family. My mother is the queen of loons and her mother practically invented the art form. My brother is a Jedi Master of insanity and my father spent a lifetime practicing the craft but never fully got the hang of it. If I had to brand his style of crazy I would call it the "lone-nut of alcoholic parents who finds solace in abusing people who won't leave him alone" style. I do have another father - the legal one. He's not insane, but his normalcy is in such stark contrast to the rest of my family it made me crazy. He's big on guilt trips. Deep sighing is just another way of saying, "I'm disappointed." I learned that from him.
That's a lot of crazy people. And being around them all the time means you are never fully comfortable with who you are. And who you become is perverse. I developed an aversion to crazy people which prevents me from forgiving them today. How do you know to put up your hands when someone tries to hit you - that reflex action? That's the same reaction I have to crazy people.
The fastest way to make me never want to see you again is to act insane. Especially if it's the emotional insane. Of course, I see most of this emotional insanity in the people I date. It's no secret that the last few girls I've dated were riddled with emotional instability. I don't realize it until things start to end just how much they reminded me of the rest of my family. And that helped seal the deal with most of them. I am blessed with having never run into an ex after we break up. I'm not good at the goodbye part, but once they're gone they just disappear... well, they could be hiding.
Of course, I could be a trigger for a lot of that emotional instability. I've been told I'm not easy to date, but how is that my fault? If they know the deal, why do they stay? I keep thinking there is something about me that drives people off their rocker, but nah. I'm pretty typical as far as men go; I fuck around, I lie here and there, but none of it ever interferes with my relationships. I think the main problem is in not walking away early in the relationship when I first start to notice the cracks in their mental well-being. I stick it out and get invested and assure them I'm not going anywhere and then I crack and run off and their reaction isn't, "wow, I really am crazy." it's "..he said he wouldn't leave me." (sniff sniff) If they are emotionally unstable once, no big deal. If it happens twice, it's time to set some boundaries. A third time? Run away as fast you can. Daddy issues is a real thing.
Crazy people are always going to be crazy. They are broken people and there is just nothing you can do to fix them. Drugs don't work. Therapy doesn't work. Nothing works. Crazy is personality trait you can't shake without serious conditioning. But even then the crazy remains, just in a subdued state waiting for the right trigger to bring it all back to life. Crazy is a part of their world. It's how they deal with it.
Daddy issues aside. Not all crazy is reflexive.
If you're bored with your life. If you don't like your life. If you don't like your marriage. If you don't like your body. If you don't like your job... The problem is you. Most of the time the problem stems from a lack of self-discipline. It's not a chemical imbalance - it's just you. Instead of making smart choices, you waste your brain on making elaborate excuses. Those excuses start to collect and compound and eventually that pile is what you call, "normal." It's a huge deviation from where you should be, or what you wanted for yourself, or what you could have had and you know it. That knowledge is what is driving you crazy. Eventually your "normal" becomes so much work to maintain and the stress from knowing that begins to cause you problems. You can't dig out from under the laziness or the cowardice or the lack of discipline and now you're stuck. There is not enough reward for your efforts and you feel like nothing works to make things better. Wanna know why? Cause you're lazy and now you're probably a fucking nut job.
Now enters someone in whom you can look to for support and inspiration. Someone who can distract you from the heap of shit you're under. They seem to know the way back to the life you wanted for yourself. Or, even better, they show you a life you could have you didn't even know about. They try to help, they get involved, they offer advice and now everything seems like it could get better. But, Uh oh, don't look now, the crazy has come back. It slowly starts to seep out of you and eventually the facade of confidence and courage that you've been displaying starts to crumble around you. Now nothing seems to work and instead of having a good life, you spend all of your time vacillating between thoughts of doom, rage, sorrow and apologies. Maybe that someone won't notice.
For thirty nine years I tolerated crazy. I did what most people do became co-dependent. You want to be helpful with crazy people because it seems like such an easy fix, but it never is.
I know that my detractors will say, "Well, maybe if they got away from you everything would get better." Mmmm... Yes, to a certain degree that's true. But their issues with me go away, but their crazy remains.
And yes, I'm crazy too. I have my own special form of crazy I carry with me. Though none of my crazy involves or requires apologies. That's what makes me different - my family likes to make others pay for their craziness. I pay my own way. One of the main reasons I am not the father I should be to my son is because I knew there was a level of crazy in me and I didn't want my son to see it. I didn't want him to be a part of the culture I know. It was my hope that he wouldn't have to see it. And though my decision to walk away is highly scorned and looked down upon, I know I made the right choice. Because the one thing that makes me different from the other crazy people I know, I'm not selfish about it.
There is a defense for the existence of crazy people; they're good at art, they're good in bed; they make for good serial killers; and we need them to illustrate how good we have it by not being crazy. So bless their tortured souls. Every single bat shit crazy one of them. Let the cutting commence.
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