I don't like onions. I don't like celery or green/red/yellow peppers too, but not as much as I hate onions. And I have a hard time understanding what other people like about them. "You can't even taste them," they will often claim about a dish infested with onions, "you won't even know they're there." When I hear this all I can think is, why? Why would you put onions in the dish if you can't taste them? Why are they there in the first place? Are they packing peanuts for the other ingredients?
And to clarify for all of you onion people out there who think you're so smart. You can. You can taste them. You can taste them and see them and feel them and... they're gross. So say what you will you will never convince me to eat an onion. They're evil and nasty and have no business in your mouth. They are the same as poison ivy in terms of nutritional value as far as I'm concerned. Have you ever eaten poison ivy? No? Why not? You probably can't even taste it.
Now a lot of onion eaters like to pontificate about the health benefits of the onion but they are all mistaken. Onions are not healthy for you at all. In fact, everyone who has ever eaten an onion has died. Everyone who eats onions is dying. Onions are 100 percent lethal. A slow, smelly, food fouling, death awaits anyone who eats them. Abraham Lincoln... onion eater... dead. Albert Einstein.. onion eater... dead. Keith Richards... not an onion eater... not dead. SEE!!
Onions have been a constant source of unhappiness for as long as humans have walked the planet. It's in their nature to make us miserable. They even go as far as making us cry when we handle them. They foul our breathe if we eat them. They sour the stomach and lower intestines if you ingest them and give you unforgivably offensive gas. And if you carve one into a knife you can stab someone in the heart with it and they would die. They are... dangerous. It's theorized that Eve actually ate an onion in the garden of Eden and that precipitated the fall from grace. "Here Adam. Try this. You won't even taste it."
But no. No one listens! Well not to me. They just go on eating those foul little sour apples. Did you know if you cook food with an onion it fouls the flavor of the food? Did you? That's right. If you cook eggs with onions, they're ruined. If you put them in your cereal, you might as well call it a day. If you put in cookies, no one will like you. If you won't even know they're there, why not put them on ice cream? If you put them in your s'mores... well... I don't need to point that out.
If onions are so yummy, why is there no onion flavored gum? If they taste so good, why don't you put them on pancakes? If they smell so good, where are the onion candles? the onion body wash? the onion toothpaste?
There's a reason those freaks have their own "bin" in the fridge. Even in their unused state they ruin the other foods. They have a smell which seeps into everything and destroys them.
It says something about onions that other animals won't eat them either. If a dog won't eat an onion, should you?
I have heard stories about people eating raw onions like it was an apple. If you can't even taste the onion, why would you do something so stupid? Have you, or anyone you've known, ever kissed one of these onion eaters? Is it delightful? The very definition of bad breathe is associated with onions. Isn't it?
I have lived a lifetime fighting the good fight; trying to spread the gospel about the evils of onions to no avail. I feel like a thirteen year old girl talking about the musical merits of her favorite boy band. You turn red in the face trying to keep people from putting these things in their mouth, but they do it anyway. Then you have to sit back and watch as they die.
The oddest thing about my onion hatred are the moments when my close friends forget about my onion hatred. I have friends who still try to get me to eat foods tainted with onions and are shocked when I turn them down. They get offended as if I should make some exception to my fastidious position. I always try to put my zealous nature into perspective for them, and I will share it with you now.
Stupid friend: Hey, eat this pizza with onions on it.
Innocent lil' ol me: No. I don't like onions.
SF: Oh come on, you can't even taste them.
Me: Then why did you put them on there?
SF: Just try it. Maybe you'll like it.
Me: I will make you a deal. You let me shit in your mouth and then I will eat that pizza.
SF: That's so disgusting.
Me: Just try it. Maybe you'll like it.
This man... Was an onion lover.
And to clarify for all of you onion people out there who think you're so smart. You can. You can taste them. You can taste them and see them and feel them and... they're gross. So say what you will you will never convince me to eat an onion. They're evil and nasty and have no business in your mouth. They are the same as poison ivy in terms of nutritional value as far as I'm concerned. Have you ever eaten poison ivy? No? Why not? You probably can't even taste it.
Now a lot of onion eaters like to pontificate about the health benefits of the onion but they are all mistaken. Onions are not healthy for you at all. In fact, everyone who has ever eaten an onion has died. Everyone who eats onions is dying. Onions are 100 percent lethal. A slow, smelly, food fouling, death awaits anyone who eats them. Abraham Lincoln... onion eater... dead. Albert Einstein.. onion eater... dead. Keith Richards... not an onion eater... not dead. SEE!!
Onions have been a constant source of unhappiness for as long as humans have walked the planet. It's in their nature to make us miserable. They even go as far as making us cry when we handle them. They foul our breathe if we eat them. They sour the stomach and lower intestines if you ingest them and give you unforgivably offensive gas. And if you carve one into a knife you can stab someone in the heart with it and they would die. They are... dangerous. It's theorized that Eve actually ate an onion in the garden of Eden and that precipitated the fall from grace. "Here Adam. Try this. You won't even taste it."
But no. No one listens! Well not to me. They just go on eating those foul little sour apples. Did you know if you cook food with an onion it fouls the flavor of the food? Did you? That's right. If you cook eggs with onions, they're ruined. If you put them in your cereal, you might as well call it a day. If you put in cookies, no one will like you. If you won't even know they're there, why not put them on ice cream? If you put them in your s'mores... well... I don't need to point that out.
If onions are so yummy, why is there no onion flavored gum? If they taste so good, why don't you put them on pancakes? If they smell so good, where are the onion candles? the onion body wash? the onion toothpaste?
There's a reason those freaks have their own "bin" in the fridge. Even in their unused state they ruin the other foods. They have a smell which seeps into everything and destroys them.
It says something about onions that other animals won't eat them either. If a dog won't eat an onion, should you?
I have heard stories about people eating raw onions like it was an apple. If you can't even taste the onion, why would you do something so stupid? Have you, or anyone you've known, ever kissed one of these onion eaters? Is it delightful? The very definition of bad breathe is associated with onions. Isn't it?
I have lived a lifetime fighting the good fight; trying to spread the gospel about the evils of onions to no avail. I feel like a thirteen year old girl talking about the musical merits of her favorite boy band. You turn red in the face trying to keep people from putting these things in their mouth, but they do it anyway. Then you have to sit back and watch as they die.
The oddest thing about my onion hatred are the moments when my close friends forget about my onion hatred. I have friends who still try to get me to eat foods tainted with onions and are shocked when I turn them down. They get offended as if I should make some exception to my fastidious position. I always try to put my zealous nature into perspective for them, and I will share it with you now.
Stupid friend: Hey, eat this pizza with onions on it.
Innocent lil' ol me: No. I don't like onions.
SF: Oh come on, you can't even taste them.
Me: Then why did you put them on there?
SF: Just try it. Maybe you'll like it.
Me: I will make you a deal. You let me shit in your mouth and then I will eat that pizza.
SF: That's so disgusting.
Me: Just try it. Maybe you'll like it.
This man... Was an onion lover.
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